Monday, August 11, 2008

M. and I are in a weird place. At first, I had a "friends with benefits" thing in mind, but of course, there were feelings there, and has anyone ever made that work? Didn't think so. So we tentatively got back together, and I proclaimed quite adamently that I was not giving up my hard-earned independance and we were not that serious.

It has come to my attention that my independance has been lacking. Not from the not-so-subtle complaints of my friends who have barely seen me, or the fact that my bedroom - which until recently was my spotless pride and joy - is now littered with laundry and starting to smell like hamster shit because I'm just never here. Nope, I noticed this because my rat, Ozymandius, has a giant tumour bigger than her head that I've just now noticed.

Cancer is generally the way rats die, and Oz is getting on in age, so I'm not really surprised. But these are my first rats and I'm not really sure what to do, and trust me, it's pretty gross.

Tumours like this don't just sprout up over night. How long has it been since I really spent time here? I'm getting scared now, because it was a very long road to being able to spend a night alone here feeling content. I think I gave that up a little too easily. A woman I work with tonight said she's been through something similar, and it's impossible to get back together without reverting to the seriousness you once had - which for me means digging out a ring.

I don't want to give up my independance just yet, because I'm not quite convinced enough that things are different this time. But I don't want to be here in this room tonight with only the rats to keep me company, because to be honest, all I'm doing is thinking about him.

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