Sunday, December 21, 2008

Coffeeboy and I went to a show last night. Actually, it was a Christmas party of sorts, held by a local studio that produces local artists singing about local shit. Ya know, tamborines and panflutes and waaaaaay too much acoustic guitar. Now, I get sentimental over an acoustic guitar, too, but there's a limit.

It was held at a cafe that's closing down, sadly. The Mug has been a haven for downtown artists, with poetry and music nights every week and a gaudy/cute atmosphere. Coffeboy made the poster for the show, and being a downtown event, we both knew the majority of the people performing.

Now. When M. and I broke up (New years resolution? Shut the fuck up about M.), I had to attend my sister's wedding a few weeks later. Well, it was a bit more than 'attend' - I was the maid of honour, so I had to drag myself out of the ice cream phase and shuffle through the whole white-wedding true-love thing for a day. Mmmm, fun. I kept my mouth shut, though, and I don't think anyone was the wiser that it was a miserable day for me, even when my entire extended family asked me, one by one, 'where's M? What happened to M.? We liked M.! Hey, where's M.?"

Naturally, I got drunk off my ass.

Afterwards, Bestfriend (who was my date) took me, as only Bestfriend could, to my first single-girl raging party. Let's look at the math: professional hair and makeup, way too many minty shooter things, a miniskirt, no idea whatsoever how one should navigate as a single girl, and a slowly rising burning hate of M. and acute desire to exact revenge. Bestfriend disappeared to tongue wrestle with a tattoo-laden drummer.

And that's how I met Ex.

Ex was a good guy. He's sweet and gentle and funny and was the first to show me that relationships need not be hurtful. Some people will love me for me. I still have trouble with this. We dated for a few months, but it was, of course, horrible timing for me. I broke it off, citing that I needed to learn to be alone before I could be with someone else again. He took it badly and refused to talk to me for months. Honestly, it had been a long time since I`d thought of him.

That is, until I ran into him at the Mug last night. Actually, I knew he would be there well in advance, and it was a good deal of why I wanted to go. (The name of his band was plastered across the poster Coffeeboy made, so he was well warned, too.)

I walked in and saw him there, and he promptly looked away. Made an excuse to leave for half an hour. Pretended I didn`t exist for the better part of the night. Oh, the awkward. Finally, I passed a little note to Coffeeboy, saying `this is going to be awkward as all hell`, and walked over to where he was sitting.

I put my hands on the back of his chair, leaned over, and whispered, `Are you going to ignore me all night?'
'Well, that's downright silly of you. Come outside and talk to me for a minute.'
'I don't see the point.'
'Ex, you're already putting your mittens on. I know you're going to.'

So we went outside. Did I mention the snow? And the cold? I've never experienced snow or cold like this before, especially not around here. At that time last night, it was starting to dump down what has become another foot of snow, and is still coming.

'How are you?'
'Did you really drag me out here to ask me how I am?'
'No. Well, yeah. I mean, I want to talk to you. I don't want you to ignore me. Don't hate me.'
'I don't hate you. I nothing you.'
'Well, I suppose I can take that,' and he chuckled a little despite himself. 'No, actually, I wanted to apologize to you. I hurt you. You didn't deserve that.'
'I never believed what you told me about why you left.'
'It was true.'
'We could have dealt with that! What can I do to help you?'

I realised that he didn't know about Coffeeboy. And it was weird, and totally new to me, to be standing there with someone I cared deeply about but left anyways. I still cared about him, and it felt odd that I was with him and not holding him. But Coffeeboy was inside, and Coffeeboy is even more different and strange to me, because it's so much better and so much deeper. There's nothing wrong with what I had with Ex, but it didn't scratch the surface of what I have with Coffeeboy.

'Just don't play to zombie song. I had a nightmare about zombies last night.' He laughed a little, and then cried a little. But he didn't say anything more.

He played the goddamn zombie song, and a song I helped him write one Sunday we spent in bed. It was a great set, and they got more applause than anyone. He left right after without saying goodbye.

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