Monday, October 13, 2008

My new nephew, babytoo, was born early Saturday morning at home. Nine pounds, five ounces, which I'm told is a very big baby. As if I know anything about babies. Other than, of course, he's cute as all shit and makes these high-pitched squeeky noises that make me mistake him for one of the cats a couple times a day.

I won't go into detail about th birth, partially because I don't know shit about birth and partially because, well, this isn't a mommy blog.

When I got the phone call to come home because Sister's water had broken, my first thought was, "already?" It seems like just yesterday she was getting married and finding out she was pregnant, which incidentally happened on the same day. That was in late February, for those too lazy to do the math.

It certainly seemed like not that long ago. In fact, the whole past year has been a blur to me, the passage of time only recently coming to my attention with the changing of the seasons. Fall and winter have always been hard for me, because they're filled with family-ish holidays, and while it could be a lot worse, I'm not exactly close with mine. We're working on it. But last time this year, I was beside myself with happiness that M.'s family was so welcoming to me, and I was thinking about marriage and about starting a family of my own in a few years.

I think I sunk into myself for the past year. I didn't really notice it go by, despite having had some of the worst and plenty of the best times of my life. I've been emotionally hibernating, so to speak, not seeing what's going on around me.

But lots has been going on. There's been a new life growing right before my eyes. I was in my room trying to stay out of the way at 1:47 a.m. Saturday morning when I heard Sister's cries get louder and louder, then peak as they were joined by the high-pitched, righteously pissed-off squall of a newborn suddenly realising that it's fucking cold out here and could I get some boob already?! As Matteo screamed his first scream of what I'm sure will be many, I felt myself quite violently snapped back to the present, to this time, and to this place, where I've found myself.

Shit. It's nearly been a year. And, in the context of new lives, my little woes seem pretty, well, little. I've missed a lot, between trying to get on my feet and trying to sort out my whole life rightthisinstant, and I've been too hard on myself, and I've failed to live in the moment.

I feel like I'm waking up. It's a strange feeling to have while winter is approaching and the rest of the world is going to sleep. But I'm looking around and living right now, remembering to breathe in, breathe out, breathe in.

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